'AITA for refusing to go to my own birthday dinner because of my husband's family?' UPDATED (2024)

Early last year, he suddenly started caring, coming home early, calling me, bringing me flowers, it was quite uncomfortable for me. Then he tells me that he's had a change of heart and wants to try to better our marriage because he's developed feelings for me????

It's all fishy to me honestly, I wouldn't trust this man as far as I can throw him. He's been doing these little things and I just can't shake that there's a joke coming at my expense.

Now onto the story, it was my birthday last weekend and Vernon told me his family was hosting me a birthday dinner, I told him I wasn't comfortable with that and the last time I was at his parents they literally told me my baby's complications were my fault and kicked me out coz Felicity was uncomfortable not to mention that they haven't apologized, just started acting friendly.

I kept telling him no and he kept insisting, he let it go and I assumed that was that. I made plans and went out with my mom and cousins and he starts calling me asking me where I am, I tell him and he tells me that he's waiting for me uhhm what????

Long story short, he's family is mad that I skipped because they apparently wanted to apologize so that we could move forward and Vernon keeps saying he understands why I did it but has been apologizing for everything and nothing. last night Felicity called to cuss me out because they've left her high and dry and Vernon wants nothing to do with her so maybe they did want to apologize.

I thought I was in the right but now even my cousins are telling me I was wrong for skipping, now am doubting myself AITA?

This is what top commenters had to say:

Gradtattoo_9009 said:

Did I get this right?

- Arranged marriage? But your husband already had a GF?

- He treats you poorly and doesn't believe this kid is his? I know you lost it, but it's still sad

- You and his family don't get along

I hope you can get out and find someone who truly loves you. NTA

Edcrfvh said:

NTA. Even if they were sincere a birthday party is not the place to apologize. I understand your hesitation as that's perfect place for ambush. They can come to you and apologize if that was their intent. Also block GF. Why was she still around if he's now married? Edited to add he's lovebombing you. Find out why.

Pepper-90210 said:

NTA. The only reason why he is suddenly interested in you is because you stopped being interested in him. The moment he gets you back emotionally, he’ll be back to his cheating ways. You deserve to spend YOUR birthday with people who love you. You owe nothing to his family. Is divorce an option for you?

And WidePhotograph2056 said:

Is there any way to get out of this marriage?? I know it was arranged so maybe that isn’t possible in your culture/religion? But if you can, run.

It’s not remotely ok that you were forced to marry someone who was not only in love with someone else, but that someone else was still involved with him and his family and they expected you to be around her?? This whole thing is toxic.

A day after her original post, OP shared this update:

wow! I wasn't expecting this to get as much attention as it has. Am overwhelmed and am sorry if I won't manage to reply to everyone. Thank you for your kind words and advice.

Some more info on my family: my family didn't know about most of what was going on, I chose to not tell them, but they still found out were and are still willing to handle the effects of me leaving but I can't let them do that, everyone is happy and this would disrupt their lives greatly. I can't bring myself to that especially to my little nieces.

A few hours after I made the post I decided to have a talk with Vernon after he came home from work. It went somewhat ok, I followed some advice in the comments about starting over on my terms. I asked him questions I needed answers to and he gave me answers. I wasn't completely satisfied but it's a start.

I told him I would give our marriage a chance but he had to know that he was completely done with Felicity and would be completely on board with this, I told him to stop with the love bombing because it was making me uncomfortable, I told him I would absolutely not be having kids in the near future. I told him I was in no way ready to be his wife and we would continue with our separate rooms.

Surprisingly, he was on board with all of this and said that he wasn't a boy anymore and that he was getting older and he needed to sort himself out and make things right, I asked him if he only had a change of heart because he wanted me to take care of him in his old age and he said no.

he said he realised that Felicity isn't what he's always wanted and started seeing her manipulate toxic ways (his words), he said he was willing to put the house in only my name (it's 40%mine) entirely as a way of showing that he is all in and would mess up of I give us a second chance. He said he was willing to give me as much space as I need.

He said he'll have a word with his family about me needing time and space and taking baby steps Honestly, don't know where this will go at this point. I don't know the direction in which we are headed but am willing to try so I can have a free conscious. I've started making a back up plan to leave but thats in the worst case scenario I'll update if anything significant happens.

Good luck, OP!